


if i lose myself tonight (it'll be by your side)

by Remy (iamremy)



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies), Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
Genre: Angst, Discussion of Death, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, SPOILERS FOR ROGUE NATION, well the panic attack is implied more than anything tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 06:49:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4656798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/Remy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Rogue Nation. Will finds out that Ethan was, temporarily, dead in Morocco.</p>
            </blockquote>





	if i lose myself tonight (it'll be by your side)

**Author's Note:**

> So here it finally is, after quite a few people requesting me to write it. Hope it delivers!
> 
> Title from _If I Lose Myself_ by OneRepublic - I've come to accept it as a fact of life that I simply cannot name stuff.

“So,” Will says, leaning back in his chair and looking across the table at Benji. “Still think being a field agent is fun?”

Benji laughs. “Never signed up ‘cause I thought it’d be fun,” he tells Will. “I signed up ‘cause I thought I would go batshit insane if I had to sit cooped up in an office for a moment longer.”

Will considers this. “A good reason as any, I suppose,” he concedes after a couple of moments of thought. “I mean, I knew of this one agent who’d joined because he said it came to him in a dream. A message from Jesus, he said.”

“Jesus told him to join the IMF?” Benji asks with a raised eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yep.” Will reaches out for his cup of coffee and takes a sip.

“So, what happened to the agent?” Benji asks after a short pause.

“Lost a leg in an explosion, became an atheist,” Will replies with a wry smile. “Said Jesus should’ve warned him, or maybe not have told him to join up in the first place.”

Benji snorts. “One can hardly hold Jesus accountable for one’s own strange dreams,” he says. “Are you sure the guy wasn’t drunk or high?”

Will shrugs. “Who knows?”

A comfortable silence follows, during which Will sips at his coffee and Benji his tea, and they both observe the people in the coffee shop they’re in. It’s been far too long since they’ve both met up for coffee for absolutely no reason; for the past six months, their meetings have always been short and filled with stress, what with the CIA continuously interrogating Benji, and Will trying his best to keep them off Ethan’s trail. It feels good to not have to worry now, after so long of doing nothing but, and both of them are in absolutely no hurry, as evidenced by the leisurely way they eat and drink, and how conversation topics include anything and everything.

“It’s a scary job, though,” Benji says, breaking the silence, and Will looks at him over his cup.

“Hm?”

“This.” Benji waves his arm about, as if trying to encompass what he means. “All of this. I mean, I thought our first mission together was bad, but this one makes that one look like a cakewalk.”

“Well,” says Will. “You knew what you were signing up for, right?”

“ _Yes_ , but I thought that meant explosions and cool spy stuff!” Benji says, gesticulating wildly. “I didn’t know the organization would disintegrate _twice_ , and there’d be nuclear launch codes and mythical organizations and CIA interrogations and – and assassins and nuclear extremists and terrorists and _drowning teammates_! And that’s not to mention that entire clusterfuck with trying to figure out whose side Ilsa Faust was on—”

“Hang on,” interrupts Will, leaning forward and placing his elbows on the table, frowning at Benji. “What was that bit again?”

“Which bit?” inquires Benji, a wild look in his eye as he rants, tea forgotten. “The one about where Ethan nearly fell off the _tallest building in the world_? Or did you mean the one about _vertical drops in BMWs_? Or the _vanishing for six months_! How about the fact that he fucking _died_ , and then went on a _bike chase_! William, have you realized that our team leader – and your boyfriend – is _utterly fucking insane_! How was I supposed to predict all this when I signed up? I’ll admit—”

“Hang on,” interrupts Will again. “Let’s rewind a bit, Benji. What do you mean, Ethan _died_?”

Benji blinks. “Did I say that?”

Will nods. “Yes. What did you mean?”

“Oh.” Benji laughs nervously. “I’m pretty sure I didn’t say that.”

“You did,” Will tells him. “I heard you. _Now tell me what you meant_.”

“That’s your bossy voice,” Benji says, in a pathetic attempt to deflect. “It may work on your underlings, Will, but it’s sure as hell not going to work on me.”

Will fixes Benji with a stony glare, and Benji quails. “Okay, maybe it works on me,” he mutters, throwing his hands up in surrender. “ _Fine_.”

Will raises an eyebrow, clearly prompting Benji to go on.

“It was just, er, a little incident with an underwater data storage cell,” Benji says, valiantly trying to make it sound less terrifying than it really was. It doesn’t work, probably because his nerves show on his face and he’s well-aware of the fact that Will was not supposed to know this. “Morocco, y’know. He was supposed to be underwater for three minutes. It kind of… went on longer?” The last part comes out tentatively, and Benji winces at his own explanation.

Will’s frown dissolves into a look of utter and complete calm, and Benji winces again. That’s not a good sign. It’s never a good sign when Will’s face becomes a mask, because that means that whatever Will is hiding underneath is _bad_. “What happened next?” he asks, and his voice is absolutely flat.

Benji sighs. “He wasn’t breathing,” he tells Will quietly. “I’m not gonna lie to you, mostly because you’d know if I did – it was _bad_ , Will, I thought he wouldn’t make it. He was _dead_ , legit dead, until Ilsa resuscitated him. For the first time in my life I felt like, _oh God, what if he doesn’t survive this,_ y’know? I mean, I’d always thought of him as indestructible, _invincible_. I can’t even _imagine_ a world without him, y’know?”

“Yeah,” says Will, voice stretched tight. “Neither can I.”

“I wasn’t going to tell you,” Benji admits with a small, mirthless smile. “I mean, if he mentioned it to you… but he clearly didn’t, and I can understand why. If it was me I wouldn’t want anyone else to know either, especially when they have a tendency to worry a lot anyway.” He shoots Will a slightly wider smile, coupled with an apologetic look.

“It’s all right,” Will responds, in the same tone. When he smiles back it looks strained and very obviously forced. “I’m not mad at you, Benji.”

“What are you going to do, now?” Benji asks. “Are you going to talk to him about it?”

“I don’t know,” sighs Will, and his façade crumbles as suddenly as it had formed. “I just don’t know. I could tell him to be more careful and not do stupid shit, but you and I both know that won’t work. Besides, it’s not like he does it for the shits and giggles, you know? If there was an easier path that led to the same result…”

“…he still might not take it,” Benji finishes, a knowing look in his eyes. “This is _Ethan_. He goes climbing mountains without safety equipment, for fuck’s sake. Who’s to say that there isn’t a part of him that enjoys all of this? The thrill, and the suspense… the reason he’s so good at this job is because he loves it, y’know.”

Will slumps, resting his chin on his forearms. There is a haunted look in his eyes, and it scares Benji a little. It must be a thousand times worse for Will, to hear it from someone else, and added to the fact that he wasn’t there, couldn’t help or do _anything_ to save Ethan…

“Hey,” Benji says softly, reaching out to lay a hand on Will’s arm. “He’s all right, y’know? He’s okay.”

“Yeah, he is,” Will says, exhaling slowly. “I just hate that I can’t make him stay that way.”

“No one can,” Benji replies. “For that matter, what’s the guarantee that we’re all going to remain okay and alive? For all you know you could die on your next mission. It’s just something we’ve all known since the moment we signed up.”

“Stop being logical,” grumbles Will, “that’s my job.”

“Sorry,” Benji laughs, patting Will’s hand. “I just hate seeing you like this. I _know_ you’re going to worry yourself sick, and honestly, I can’t stop you. My point is, you’re so logical and smart about everything else in your life. Maybe try to apply the same to Ethan and his stunts?”

“When did you get so wise?” mutters Will.

“When I realized I was going to be stuck with you nutters for the rest of my natural life,” responds Benji solemnly. “ _Someone’s_ got to keep you guys in line, and since Jane’s on vacation, I guess that’s me.”

Will snorts. “She’d love that.” Then, a second later, he adds softly, “Thank you, though.”

Benji nods at him. “Frankly I’m just relieved you didn’t kill me.”

“Oh, I’ll leave that to Ethan, when he finds out you told me,” Will replies with a tired grin.

Benji’s eyes widen. “Oh, you _evil_ arsehole!”

They both laugh, and they both pretend that Will doesn’t still sound strained.

* * *

 

It hits him later on that night, when he gets into the shower to wash off the sweat and exhaustion from the day. Will’s had his fair share of almost drowning; for fuck’s sake, one could almost say that it was his first real bonding experience with Ethan. He knows what it feels like, he knows the panic and terror when the water closes in over his head and no matter how much he flails he can’t make it to the surface, and it feels like his lungs will burst—

But he’s never actually drowned, never actually lost consciousness that way. He’s never felt the sensation of water rushing into his lungs and his limbs slowly turning to lead, of his brain shutting down, his vision fading as he tries to breathe, tries to draw in oxygen only to find himself well and truly _fucked_ —

Ethan died. Ethan _died_ , he had to be resuscitated, and what if Ilsa had been a moment or few too late? What if she hadn’t been able to bring him back? What if Ethan had _really_ , permanently died?

Will doesn’t realize he’s gasping for breath until he accidentally inhales some water from the shower, which of course just makes matters worse, makes the jumble of thoughts and emotions inside him much bolder, much more suffocating. Try as he might he can’t stop thinking of an alternative timeline where Ethan _didn’t_ make it, where he arrived in Morocco too late, hoping to find Ethan but only receiving news of his death. And that too after six months of being apart, of not hearing a word from him, not knowing how he was doing except for what he gleaned from incomplete and speculative CIA reports.

His heart feels like it’s going to break apart, it literally _hurts_ , and there’s something stuck in his throat so that it feels like it’s pressing against his windpipe, cutting off his oxygen. He can’t remember the last time he felt like this for someone else, except for Croatia perhaps, and even that feels like a distant ache, a minor irritation compared to now. Because now it isn’t a stranger whose protection he was charged with as part of his job. Now it’s _Ethan_ , the man he loves, the person he would gladly die for and the person whom he lives for. And he can’t bear it, can’t bear the thought of living through Ethan’s death, of a world where they’re not side by side, getting each other through everything that the universe can throw at them.

The water turns cold against his skin and he feels himself slide down against the cool tile of the wall until he’s slumped with his back and head resting against it, eyes closed against the pinpricks of the water above as it falls on his skin. He feels lost, all of a sudden, feels helpless and desolate, and he can’t rationalize why. After all, Ethan’s alive, isn’t he?

Ethan unwittingly proves it the very next second, when he knocks on the door and calls, “Will, hurry up! You’ve been in there twenty minutes now, what are you even _doing_?”

“Just a minute more,” Will calls back mechanically, but makes no move to rise. There are tears on his face, he realizes belatedly.

“Okay, just don’t finish up the hot water!” replies Ethan.

“Too late for that,” mutters Will. With a heavy sigh he braces his arms against the wall and gets to his feet and turns the shower off, taking a detached kind of comfort in the practiced motions of drying himself off and slipping into a comfortable pair of slacks and a tee. He spends an extra minute staring at his face in the mirror, making sure his face isn’t splotchy and red, which would be a dead giveaway of his emotional state. With a sigh he gives up on trying to make the bags under his eyes go away, though, and turns to step out of the bathroom.

Ethan’s sitting on the foot of the bed, looking impatient. “Took you long enough,” he begins, but then stops, and Will understands that Ethan must’ve seen something in his face. No matter how good he may be at schooling his expressions in front of other people, Ethan can always see through it. The lump in Will’s throat makes a comeback when he realizes that no one else in his life has ever been able to understand him like that, to _know_ him so well that the smallest movement of his face clues them in to everything he’s thinking and feeling.

“Will?” Ethan says, narrowing his eyes up at him. “Will, is everything okay?”

What Will means to say is: “Yes, Ethan, everything’s fine. Sorry I took so long in the shower, and that I probably _did_ use up all the hot water, I didn’t mean to. Now why don’t you go get showered, and I’ll just read a book in the meanwhile, and then we can go to bed?”

What actually happens is that Will sinks down on the bed next to Ethan, staring at him, drinking in his face like he’ll never get to see it again. “No,” he says blankly in response to Ethan’s inquiry. “No, everything is _not_ okay.”

Ethan blinks, and his face morphs from surprise to concern. “What is it?” he asks, reaching out and putting his hand on Will’s knee. “What’s bothering you?”

Will tries to keep his composure for all of two seconds, before giving up and blurting out, “You _died_!”

Ethan frowns, clearly confused. “What are you talking about—oh.” He sighs. “Benji told you.”

“He didn’t so much tell me as ranted it out, actually,” Will says, and then sighs. “Ethan, you – you _died_.”

Ethan’s hand tightens on Will’s knee. “But I came back,” he says softly. “Look, I’m here right now, aren’t I? I’m here with you. I’m alive.”

“I know, I know,” Will replies, leaning into Ethan’s side. “I just can’t stop thinking about it, is all. And it’s—” he grimaces. “It’s… killing me, to be honest,” he finishes.

Ethan sighs as well. “This is exactly why I didn’t tell you,” he says gently, thumb rubbing circles into Will’s thigh. “Because I knew you’d worry about it.”

“Benji told me to look at it logically, like I do everything else,” Will tells him, “but the thing is, I fucking _can’t_. I can’t, okay? I mean, ever since he let it slip, all I can think is how it must’ve been for you, and what if Ilsa had been too late, or what if you hadn’t woken up—”

“But none of those things happened,” Ethan interjects gently. “She got there in time, and I woke up, and then I went about the mission. Will, this is just how our lives _are_. Sometimes we get too close.”

“I _know_ ,” Will repeats, “dammit, Ethan, I _know_. And I’m trying, I really am, but it’s just… I can’t look at it rationally or – or logically, or whatever. I mean, this is _you_ , it’s not just someone I’ve heard of and don’t really know, it’s… it’s _you_. And we both know that anything can happen on the job but the fact still remains that—” Will pauses, exhales slowly through his mouth, and then goes on, “the fact still remains that if anything were to happen to you, I wouldn’t survive it.”

There is a loud silence as Ethan processes this – the kind of silence that rings around you and presses down on your eardrums, the kind where it’s quiet but you still have to shout to be heard. Will watches Ethan, sees the expressions on his face change along with his emotions, all clear as day to the analyst. He remains quiet, though, opting to let Ethan carry on the conversation with whatever his reaction is, even though Will isn’t even _close_ to having said everything he wants to.

He knows it would be unfair of him to tell Ethan to stop doing all the things that he does. It’s Ethan’s _job_ , and he’s good at it, and if he didn’t do it then a lot of people would die, and a lot of shit would happen that can’t be undone. He knows this, he understands this, because it’s _his_ job too and he knew when he signed up what he was in for. And he knew when he decided to be with Ethan what it would entail. It’s just hard to remember it, sometimes.

He also knows that he and Ethan aren’t ever going to be the kind of domestic, well-settled couple whose biggest worries are mundane things like rent and groceries and the payment for the family-size Prius in the garage. Their lives simply won’t allow it, and he’s normally okay with this. He doesn’t think that either of them could live like that anyway – just one day of it would drive them both up the wall with boredom, and by the second day they’d be raring to go out and do something dangerous, to feel the rush of adrenaline that’s an everyday part of their lives now. Ethan _lives_ for it, Will knows – and, deep down, he knows that he does, too.

He’s pulled out of his thoughts when Ethan finally speaks. “So what do I do?” he asks, and there’s no accusation or frustration in his voice. It’s just a simple question, like he genuinely wants to know what he can do to better the situation.

“I’m not going to ask you to stop doing dangerous shit, obviously,” Will replies. “We both know that that’s not going to work. And telling you to be careful isn’t going to accomplish anything either.”

“So what, then?” inquires Ethan, looking directly into Will’s eyes with a painful kind of earnestness. “Will, I – I don’t know how to _not_ do this stuff. I don’t know how to reassure you without lying to you, and I don’t know how to deal with the fact that you even care this much. It’s… never happened before, you know.”

“And I don’t know what to tell you that’ll put both our minds to rest,” Will admits in turn. “The thing is, you and I both know that the things we do are necessary, but also that neither of us can live without them. And before you, that _was_ my life, you know? That was what I lived for. But it’s not anymore, is the thing. _You’re_ that thing, now, and I just – I don’t know what I’d do if someday you went over the edge and couldn’t come back.”

Ethan sighs, removing his hand from Will’s knee so he can run his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I’d do either, if it happened to you,” he says. “But you _know_ there isn’t anything we can do about it, except—”

“—have each other’s backs,” finishes Will. “I guess that’s all we _can_ do, you know? Just… be there for each other.”

Ethan hums in thought, staring at the wall ahead as he turns it over in his mind. Will watches him, sees his thoughts played out on his face, and thinks about how Ethan is simultaneously the bane and boon of his life. Because, while Ethan is the reason that Will spends every mission stressed to within an inch of his life, and will probably be responsible for Will’s hair turning white in the near future… he’s also the reason Will smiles and laughs more than he ever used to before, the reason he wakes up in the morning and actually looks forward to his days instead of just going through the motions, the reason he _lives_.

Almost without thinking about it – like his body’s developed a mind of its own – Will leans into Ethan’s side and loosely wraps his arms around Ethan’s middle, resting his head on Ethan’s shoulder. He doesn’t say a word, though, still waiting for Ethan to say whatever’s on his mind.

For a moment Ethan doesn’t move, and then he shifts, holding Will to himself, and resting his head on top of Will’s. “You’re right,” he says softly. “As usual, you’re right.”

Will chuckles. “See, admitting it really won’t kill you,” he teases.

Ethan just rolls his eyes. “Sure, whatever makes you happy,” he replies in the same tone. “I really mean that, by the way,” he adds. “If it’s within my power to do for you, I’ll do it.”

“Yeah, right back at you,” Will says. He straightens, gently untangling himself from Ethan’s embrace. “Also, there’s no nice way to say this, so I’m just gonna, y’know, just gonna say it – you really should go for that shower now.”

Ethan huffs. “Ruin a moment, why don’t you,” he mutters, but he’s smiling as he gets up to head for the bathroom.

As for Will, he feels lighter than he has since Ethan first went rogue.

* * *

 

“Can I ask you something?” Will says, once they’re finally in bed and Ethan’s turned off the lights.

“Mm?” mumbles Ethan, rolling over so that he’s facing Will, their faces barely a foot apart.

“What did it feel like?” Will whispers. “Dying?”

There is a short pause as Ethan considers the question. Just as Will’s beginning to think that maybe he’s crossed an unspoken line and won’t be receiving an answer, Ethan says, “Thing is, it’s different for everyone, I guess. I mean, some have it easy, some don’t. So I guess if I had to make a list of the easiest ways to go, drowning wouldn’t be on it.”

Will watches him, blue eyes wide as he listens attentively. Absently Ethan reaches out and touches Will’s chest over his tee, tracing patterns with his fingers, not really paying attention to his actions.

“I can honestly say that it was the worst thing I’ve ever felt,” Ethan finishes quietly. “I’m not going to describe it to you, you know what it’s like, but the part that comes _after_ – that’s the hardest. The part where you just _have_ to accept that this is it, you’re dying and there is absolutely _nothing_ you can do about it, even though you know what’s at stake, and you know you’re failing. That’s the worst part.”

Will wraps his hand over the one Ethan has on his chest, and squeezes his fingers. He’s not quite sure what to reply, what he can _possibly_ say to erase that horror from Ethan’s mind, or to at least make it go away for a while. In any case, even if he had something to say he wouldn’t be able to – it feels like his throat has closed up again, that same lump pressing down on his windpipe.

“Hey,” says Ethan softly, untangling his fingers from Will to wipe a tear from his face that he hadn’t known was there. “It’s okay now, you know. I’m here.”

“I know,” Will says, blinking rapidly in an attempt to dispel the rest of the tears from his eyes.

“Don’t worry,” Ethan whispers fiercely. “Let’s just take it one day at a time, okay? And for now, I promise you – I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” He intertwines their fingers, and smiles at Will, who does his best to smile back, regardless of how shaky it is.

“All right,” he murmurs. “One day at a time.”

They settle into a comfortable silence. Ethan is stroking circles into Will’s hand with his thumb, while Will traces Ethan’s name into his skin with his fingers. Neither of them say a word, but that’s okay – they don’t need to. All that needed to be said has been spoken, and Will thinks he rather likes this, the idea to take it one day at a time. And maybe, if they keep that going, they can extend it to the rest of their lives as well (however long – or short – that may be).

“You know,” Ethan says, breaking the quiet. “The last thing I can remember thinking is that you were going to kill me if I died.” He laughs softly. “And also how much I wished that if I really was going to die, it would be by your side. Not thousands of miles apart and not having seen you or heard your voice in six months.”

“Good thing you _didn’t_ die, then,” Will replies, and then amends, “at least, not permanently. Because I really would have found a way to kill you for that, you know.”

Ethan laughs again. “I don’t doubt it at all,” he tells Will, and shifts across the space between them to kiss him softly on the lips. “Because I’d do the same.”

Will smiles against his lips, and closes his eyes. One day at a time. It’s not a guarantee, nor is it a promise of a long and fulfilling life together. But it’s _hope_ , and that’s more than enough for both of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and let me know what you guys thought! Honestly I will love you forever <333  
> [my tumblr.](http://chesterbennington.co.vu)
> 
> Love,  
> Remy x


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